he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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