Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
