So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Randomize
