Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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