Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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