I wish I could punch you in the face.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
