When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
