I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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