508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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