You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
