I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
