lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
