just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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