Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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