dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
