I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
