Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
