Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
