you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
