if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
