sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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