I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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