Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
