I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
