Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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