He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
