i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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