i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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