My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
