dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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