I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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