I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
