Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
