Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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