My nipple is on Facebook.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize