i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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