What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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