you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
