I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
