Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
