You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
