Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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