friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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