Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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