Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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