you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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