the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
