I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
