Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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