Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
