I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I think i got beer on your cat.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
