I cannot find my penis.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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