Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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