11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
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