You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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