I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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