You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
